Back at the beginning of January, I listed a number of films that I’d like to see converted to steampunk and rebooted. With the Fight Club suggestion, I converted a quote as to how a high brow Victorian might have said the same thing. It got me wondering what other favourite quotes from popular films could be changed to Victorian/steampunk and how they would sound.
1) Star Wars
Lady Leia Organa: “Aren’t you rather diminutive in stature to be representing our country’s Royal Armed Forces?”
Max: This lump over here… This is Kincaid. Now I want you to take a good look. See, he gets himself thrown in the quiet room so often that you probably won’t see a whole lot of him. Ain’t that right, “Cool Breeze”?
Kincaid: Right. I do it so I don’t have to look at your ugly face all the time.
Max: Yeah, I love you too.
Maximillian: “Might I introduce you to this gluttonous mound. This is Mr. Kincaid. Now, Miss Thompson I implore you to remember his visage. Regrettably, his ungentlemanly conduct means we are forced to remove him into the quiet room with a great deal of frequency, so you may not get to socialise with him as often as you would prefer. What do you say, Mr Kincaid?”
Mr Kincaid: “Indubitably, Maximillian. I perform these tiresome tasks so that I’m not forced to rest my weary ocular devices towards your grotesque frontage.”
Maximillian: “Indeed, my good man. As you can see, Miss Thompson, my fondness for Mr Kincaid is reciprocated whole-heartedly.”
Eddie: Oh, and if Tom or anyone else for that matter feels like givin’ them a bit of a kickin’, I’m sure it won’t do any harm.
Soap: Yeah, little bit of pain never hurt anybody. If you know what I mean. Also, I think knives are a good idea. Big, fuck-off shiny ones. Ones that look like they could skin a crocodile. Knives are good, because they don’t make any noise, and the less noise they make, the more likely we are to use them. Shit ’em right up. Makes it look like we’re serious. Guns for show, knives for a pro.
Tom: Soap, is there something we should know about you?
Bacon: I’m not sure what’s more worrying. The job or your past.
Master Edward: “Should Master Thomas, or anyone else for that matter, feel like bopping one of them on the nose, I don’t think there’s a gentleman here who would discourage you.”
Master Soap: “Indeed. A small amount of pain is what the backbone of our nation was built on. I must take a moment to declare my love for bladed weapons. Large ones with a gleam along their edge. Bladed weapons would be splendid in this scenario because stealth is of the utmost importance. I do believe that with a good rapier by one’s side, it shows we mean business and will strike fear into the hearts of our enemies. Use pistols to demonstrate how serious you are, while employing bladed weaponry to complete the task.”
Master Thomas: “My dear, Master Soap, do you have an ill gained past that we should be enlightened upon?”
Master Bacon: “I say! I’m not entirely certain which is the more disconcerting thought; Our impending criminal activity, or your history of notable ill repute!”
4) Mad Max
[the Kid is handcuffed to a car that’s about to explode]
Max: The chain in those handcuffs is high-tensile steel. It’d take you ten minutes to hack through it with this. Now, if you’re lucky, you could hack through your ankle in five minutes. Go.
[the hacksaw is dropped next to The Kid, and Max limps off]
Maximillian: “I’ve ensured that the metals used in these binders are high-tensile. By my estimations, it will take you approximately [looks at pocket watch] 10 minutes to sever the binding. However, the gun powder contained within your carriage will ignite sooner than that. If I may be so bold as to suggest that you could cut through your ankle in half of that time.”
5) Batteries not Included
Carlos: [seeing a floating tray of hamburgers] What the hell is that?
Faye Riley: Oh it’s them. The little guys. My little munchkins.
Carlos: You stay away from me! You’re not fooling anybody! Crazy my ass!
Master Carlos: [seeing a floating tray of devilled kidneys] “I say! What was that?”
Lady Riley: “That, my dear boy, would be one of my honoured friends. They’re small, so I address them as munchkins.”
Master Carlos: “A name chosen with fondness. However, I feel compelled to challenge the validity of that statement and indeed, the honesty of their existence. I also ask you to keep your distance. One would assume you’re making an attempt to play some kind of trick on me, but I’m not fond of parlour games.”
Garry: Wyatt, are you ready to die?
Wyatt: Gary, I can’t wait to die.
[to Biker girl]
Garry: Why don’t you shut up, bitch?
[to Lord General]
Garry: And as for your ugly ass, you don’t come into my friend’s house, with your faggot friends and your bikes, crashing through windows, making a mess, breaking his furniture, stinking up the place and believe me you do stink.
[One of the mutant bikers sniffs his armpit]
Garry: And here’s what’s gonna happen. You’re gonna get on your bikes, and pedal your ugly asses outta here.
[All the killer mutants laugh]
Garry: We’re gentlemen so we’re going to give you a choice.
Wyatt: Yeah, you can go in peace.
[Lord General goes for his rifle, Gary pulls out a gun and points it at Lord General’s head]
Garry: Or you can stay and die. The choice is yours.
Mr Wallace: “My good friend, have you made preparations in case we expire in this duel?”
Mr Donnelly: “Indeed, my good man! In fact, I’m rather keen to press on.”
[to Urchin girl]
Mr Wallace: “I would appreciate it if you refrained from talking.”
[to Lord General]
Mr Wallace: “Now I must protest at the way you have invaded our home. Your method of gaining entry with your accomplices is simply not cricket. There is glass on the floor, expensive rugs have been soiled and I have to say that your personal hygiene leaves a lot to be desired.
[thief smells his clothes]
Mr Wallace: “I have a suggestion for you gentlemen.. And lady. Our invitations for this soiree wasn’t extended to any of you fellows, so be a chap and head on outside won’t you? The ladies are close to fainting over your hideous appearance.”
[the thieves laugh]
Mr Wallace: “We are all gentlemen here, so we will proposition an ultimatum.”
Mr Donnelly: “Indeed! We will allow you to leave with no further discourse.”
[Lord General prepares his weapon, to which Mr Wallace points a Blunderbuss in his face]
Mr Wallace: “Or should you decide to cause trouble, we shall see that you are halted from causing such malicious damage to our friends and home. I will leave the decision to you.”
E.T.: E.T. phone home.
Moon Man: “Excuse me, dear boy? I wonder if you would be so kind as to help me in contacting my point of origin?”