London Underground to be upgraded to teleportation stations

teleportation_deviceThe controversial London Underground is to have the railways removed and each station is to be fitted with a teleportation device, it was revealed today.

In a statement by the Ministry of Travel and Locomotion on the steps of Bakerloo station, Sir Hugo Banderville confirmed the plans. “This new method of transport will replace the existing steam trains which can take the average commuter across the city in just over 2 and a half hours.” Getting visibly excited about the news, his monocle dropped into his cup of tea as he presented the inventor of the new technology, Lady Emilia Von Poppetartt. “Today we enter a new era of travel. What used to take hours moving from one point to the other will now only take a matter of seconds.” she proclaimed.

The new transport works by decompiling the human anatomy at the atomic level. Once the difference engines have stored the information, the portal generation matrix will start up which is powered by super heating water to a gaseous form. Upon the inter-dimensional window opening, the traveller has to simply step over the threshold and as long as there’s no miscalculation in either the cellular memory banks or the location transfer protocol, they will emerge safely on the platform they require. In the event of a miscalculation and the traveller is cast into a parallel dimension, each person is loaned a weapon of their choosing for the duration of the journey. The whole process takes roughly three hours.

The British Tea Company spokesperson Mrs Gloria Plumm confirmed that the company was backing this new development. “The British Tea Company are behind this endeavour 100%. As a company that looks after the interests of the British tea drinking public, we welcome any technology that helps cut death rates on the dangerous train lines.” The British Tea Company confirmed they will have exclusive rights to vendors in the stations once the teleportation devices are operational.

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