Mother will be watching

london_westminsterIn light of recent exploits regarding a local band of homeless urchins terrorising the upper class of Westminster, newly developed ocular devices will be fitted to the exterior of buildings. The machines are nicknamed Mother, which – according to one operator – is because “it’s like it’s got eyes in the back of it’s ‘ead!”

The machines are similar to our modern iconographs with the exception that they can record a rapid succession of pictures at around 30 every second. When these images are then run through a projector at the same speed, they create a moving picture of sorts.

This is a breakthrough in the field of ocular recording,” claimed Professor Orsen Bolte. “Fitting these recording devices to the walls of buildings means that we can watch anyone creating a nuisance and upsetting the gentlefolk of London,” he said while sliding his thumbs under the lapels of his frock coat.

It’s thought that a theft occurs every 15 seconds in Westminster and by using these devices it should drop off, if not eradicate it completely. Currently four cameras have been installed along with a small gantry, chairs, teapot and hot water dispenser for the two men that have to operate it. If the trials in Westminster are successful, the iconographs will be offered to councils such as Whitechapel in a bid to capture the murdering menace Jack the Ripper.

In a statement sent via morse code, the British Tea Company confirmed that they had funded the Mother project in order to bring peace and prosperity to London. “For too long a plague has covered our city in a fog of crime. We wish to keep London safe so that decent, hard-working upper class gentry can visit the shops for their new Indian Delight loose leaf tea without the fear of having their pocket watch stolen.”

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