New Bioimpiric Identification Cards to be issued to British Citizens

The House of Lords has pressed the Government to reconsider the introduction of Bioimpiric ID cards to all citizens of the United Kingdom. In a letter to the Prime Minister, Lord Coggleton-Smythe said: “It is with regret that the Lords are having to write to you with this request. It has come to our attention that the country is currently rife with crime, rampant with immigration and there’s a large amount of illegal tea importation that we can’t account for. While the latter is to our advantage and therefore worth overlooking, the former counts are necessary to come to a conclusion. The use of Bioimpiric identification cards will be a boon to the constabulary.”

This statement relates to the Police having on file a DNA sample of every criminal in the country. DNA is a substance recently discovered by Lady Emilia Von Poppetartt and consists of very small coloured balls linked together via black plastic sticks. It’s thought that these adorably miniature constructions are the building blocks of our very existence. It is said that DNA is in everything that is biological such as hair, teeth and skin.

The current plan is that as criminals are arrested and brought into Old Scotland Yard, they will have samples of their DNA taken. These samples will be placed on file and the criminal will be given a card that has various samples of their DNA smeared on little boxes. Currently, the DNA will be extracted from the hair, saliva, skin cells, nose mucus and faeces. Only one sample is necessary to create a match, but it’s always good to have a back up plan. Eventually law abiding citizens will also be required to have a Bioimpiric ID card as Britain will be slowly converted to an  English Socialist (Ingsoc) ruling government.

This news comes at the time that the Government have announced plans to install moving iconographic ocular devices to the exterior walls of prominent buildings in Westminster. These newly named “motion cameras” will be operated by two men on gantries above the pavement.

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