Octopus wrongly accused of murder

An Octopus has spoken out over a recent news story depicting it as a brutal, murderous harbinger of death when in actual fact it was simply trying to stay alive.

In what could be one of the most boring stories ever created by the Daily Star, on 22nd September we had to endure yet another 200 words about the incredible footage of an Octopus attacking and killing a Crab. The tabloid – famous for their pointless celebrity coverage and irrelevant gossip pages – revitalised what should be now a defunct story in order to boost the content. It actually looks as though they’re practicing their sensationalism skills. The Steampunk Journal has listed below the exaggerations that normal people would constitute as hyperbole but that I secretly think the Daily Star believe to be true:

  • Murderous octopus
  • Spine-chilling ambush
  • HORRIFYING footage
  • site of the battle
  • locked helplessly in the grip of its murderer’s tentacles
  • Distraught users have even been eulogising for the poor crab
Octopus attacks Crab. Eats and lives.
The story unfolded in a grim retelling of a story we’d already seen weeks ago.

The Octopus – who wishes to remain anonymous – said “I’m a predator by nature, I hunt for food, I catch it and I eat it. Calling me a murderer twice for doing what I have to do to survive is really upsetting.”

Eugoogly

The eulogising was a small number of simple comments such as “Damn. That sucks for the little guy,” which if that was my eulogy, I’d expect my family to replace them with someone who puts in a bit of effort. Another wrote “I think we’re pretty lucky that octopodes aren’t massive and don’t think humans are delicious. Talk about ruining a day at the beach.”
It hardly ruined anyone’s day at the beach. Except maybe the Crab, but that wasn’t having a day at the beach, it lived there. That would be like saying I’m having a day at Sheffield. Maybe the author of that gem wants to apply for a job at the Daily Star? Again, and to use the Daily Star’s terminology, if I’d been murdered at my house, I would’t think someone would say “Talk about ruining a day at his house”.  Finally the article came to an end with “Definitely the most interesting thing I’ve ever seen happen in a tide pool,” which the reporter described as a quip; a word used to describe a clever and witty remark. I see neither of those traits in that sentence.

Ten Tickles

Looking at the article, you’d think that a person had been attacked in the street. The reporter goes at it hammer and tongs. There’s not one of those examples rings even slightly true and we can only assume that the Daily Star are warming themselves up for a round of Jeremy Corbyn articles.

Sadly it was a video of a steampunk mascot that got the brunt in this bizarre and frankly ridiculous article. An article which has so far had 129 shares. The Octopus is speaking to lawyers and considering bringing a libel case against the newspaper.

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