Professor Elemental has been a well known face on the steampunk music circuit since 1878 when he dropped his steampunk anthem album The Indifference Engine on us. Since then his popularity has grown thanks to his humourous lyrics, dope beats and phat rhymes. With an amiable demeanour, candid personality and charismatic nature, he’s a must-have artist at any steampunk event worth it’s salt. However Steampunk Journal has learned the truth about the “good professor” and we have managed to learn information that will rock the chap hop industry to its core. In this explosive dossier we will reveal how he:
- Uses animals for dissection and vivisection in sordid experimentation
- Relieves himself in a teapot while singing “Cup of gold joy” wearing nothing but a Union Jack Mankini and a poncho that he stole from a small child in American Adventure
- Claims to be a steampunk while redacting information to the contrary
- Spent several years touring the Eastern Bloc as the “Oil Boy” with Small Fry – a team of nomadic chef dwarfs
The Professor has been at the top of the steampunk music chain for far too long and monopolising the industry using smear campaigns in the form of diss songs, holding prestigious parties at his country pile giving free access to steampunks to keep them sweet and even altering time while dressing it up as searching for a missing Ape.
Now after a four month investigation which involved our top reporter Julian Von Trumpe integrated himself into the seedy underbelly of Professor Elemental’s imaginary Victorian society*, we can reveal the Truth about the Professor and his deadly charade. The first part of our explosive exposé can be read below.
Animal mistreatment and violations
by Julian Von Trumpe
You’ve all heard the saying “hiding in plain sight”? One of Professor Elemental’s favourite tricks is to rap about his vile antics while dressing it up as a lark. Such is his disregard for the welfare of animals, that he regularly cuts them into pieces, reforming them into abhorrent hybrids. Shadows of their former selves. As a disturbing “in joke”, wrote a song about it called Animal Magic, but there’s no magic to this. Only a sadistic blood lust and a deprived curiosity for the anatomy of exotic fauna. Perhaps the saddest part of this tale is actually the public who have been taken in by the Professor for these many years. They buy his music and are the unwitting financiers of his cruel games.
The British Government introduced the Cruel Treatment of Cattle Act in 1822 with the SPCA being formed two years later. Still, despite these advances in such a progressive society as the British Empire, every night Elemental scurries away to his dungeon where he employs techniques discovered in ancient tomes such as the Ars Notoria, Pseudomonarchia Daemonum and the Dangerous Book for Boys.
Professor Elemental & Geoffrey
Professor Elemental’s butler was once a normal Orangutan found in the jungles of the undocumented island that is Borneo. Sources close to Geoffrey say he was captured by the adventuring Professor in 1863. He was then brought back in order to be experimented on. His head was sliced open and his brain exchanged with that of a person – probably the Professor’s retired butler Hargreaves. The idea being that [Elemental] could continue to be waited on hand and foot. This time with someone more submissive, nimble and able to reach the biscuits without using a chair. Which is rumoured to be the reason for the demise of poor Hargreaves in the first place.
He settled into life as a slave quite well and sources confirm that at first the Professor and Geoffrey struck up a friendship. But that quickly cooled. For the last few years Geoffrey has been putting up a front to the Professor while secretly plotting against him.
It took me several days to locate where he was conducting these abnormal activities. Given that his experiments are both highly controversial and highly illegal, he has moved his laboratory several times. Guests are provided with a series of complex directions using riddles, semaphore and rhyming slang. Upon discovering the lair, I proceeded with caution. I employed methods of stealth that I had thankfully learned during my years in the Amarbayasgalant Monastery in Mongolia.
I spent many nights camped outside a small grilled window. I watched as he removed body parts of poor creatures with a large circular saw. He called this disturbing implement of torture the Cranial Cutter. The grim sights that befell my eyes cannot be recounted here for fear of ladies fainting upon reading it. Such was the gruesome sights that I witnessed, I had to dig several holes in the ground in order to projectile vomit.
On one occasion while the Professor tended some visiting guests, I climbed inside the lair and searched through his notes. Horrifyingly, they were endless babbling about his adventures searching for mysterious golden idols and making cups of tea. It was at that point that it dawned on me; not only is the Professor conducting these terrible experiments, but he’s not even documenting his work. He’s doing it for fun! It was clear that I wasn’t simply dealing with a disgraceful animal abuser. But also a psychotic mind that enjoyed seeing what bizarre monstrosities could be created through this new-fangled “science” that everyone is talking about.
Once I had seen everything in order to make up a report, I opened some cages and made my escape.
*This involved following him around and tracking him via a newspaper with eye holes cut out. Also hacking into his telephone messages using the latest in string/yogurt pot technology. After all, there’s only so much information one can glean from going through a person’s bins.
Bookmark Steampunk Journal for Part Two of our dossier coming soon…
Since publishing this article and the second part, which you can read here: Professor Elemental Part Two the Journal has been in contact with the Professor’s solicitors. We would like to point out that he’s a jolly decent chap and we don’t want to go to court. We feel that we’re too pretty for jail.
In return for allowing us to maintain these articles online as good exposure for the Professor, we have been asked to provide links where you can find out more information about the superb work that he is actually doing in real life.
His new ongoing project on the Patreon website is underway and you can view it here: Professor Elemental on Patreon.
You can also purchase music and other paraphernalia on his website: Professor Elemental website