No need to save Earth, we can simply move to Mars (SATIRE)

English: NASA artist's conception of a human m...
English: NASA artist’s conception of a human mission to Mars (1989 painting by Les Bossinas of NASA Lewis Research Center). (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Mars has always been a distant dream for aspiring æthernauts. A yearning for understanding the universe around us has meant that we look to the stars and wonder in awe at what is out there. As the closest planet to us, we’ve all gazed at that tiny orange marble and wondered “what if”?

That dream may well soon become a reality as The Imperial Space Association (ISA) announced plans to begin terraforming the Red Planet by the end of the century. Æthernauts have already visited and described it as “very nice” while adding “as long as you like red.” Recent tests on the planet have resulted in positive claims that the planet could support human life. “The low temperature plasma decomposition method offers a twofold solution for a manned mission to Mars. Not only would it provide a stable, reliable supply of oxygen, but as a source of fuel as well, as carbon monoxide has been proposed as to be used as a propellant mixture in rocket vehicles.” said Sir Hugo Banderville, Minister for Travel and Locomotion. He added, “It could also do with a good sweep round.”

Facepalm logic

Pressed on the subject of why we need to look to terraform Mars which such impedience, the ISA simply replied “When our world is destroyed, we’ll simply move on. It is on the Prime Minister’s wishes.”

The Government issued a statement which said that the recent acceleration of fossil fuel usage had seen carbon emmissions being pumped into the air increase by 455%. They added that it was still rising. It turns out that the amount of damage we’ve done is getting close to critically irreversible. Instead of trying to change the way that industry deals with it’s own pollutants, it would be easier to simply move to another planet. After all, the cost of changing to cleaner fuels would be huge and companies would suffer massive losses in profit.

Copied from Image: Mars Transition V.jpg: "....
Copied from Image:MarsTransitionV.jpg: “…” (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Therefore, the Government is reallocating funding to the Ministry of Environment, Fisheries and Hoofed Mammals to the ISA which will research colonising Mars. Once it’s ready for habitation all the important, rich people will go and get settled in. After that whoever can afford the accomodation will be allowed to relocate.

Already pressure groups have lodged their complaints. Dr Reynold Væsen of London Zoo’s Institute for the Correction of Vicious Creatures said “Earth is our home planet and as such should be made habitable for everyone. The fact that the Government are throwing money at terraforming Mars is exciting – yes – but irresponsible and highly illogical.”

Phillip Mallory – an occupant of Earth – said “Well this is a bit of a blow. Makes me wonder why I bother getting my servant to put anything in the bin!”

Further tests are due to ensure that the water there will be able to be boiled properly. Also that the difference in gravity won’t make lady’s skirts rise.

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